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From Pat 

 

 

Her friendship started out with a cup of coffee /but only if she really knew/

Her life yeah she seemed happy/ till she introduced him to you

Yeah its personal/ it may be raw/ but its you I fault

Cause in the end your evil spontaneous dangerous moves

Leaves us to this result

Was it your desire to gamble with the devil?

Did you do it for the thrill/ did you do it to gain skill/ or did you do it simply to kill

 do you know its real/ how you made her feel/ the poison in her blood /the poison in her mouth/ how do you see her now/ a strong women you tried to break down/ everyone you ever hurt/       to you it was only a count down

do you even realize you called the shot it lied in your hands

and you walked away like nothing happened

do you you remember the rage/ with the hands rapped around her neck/ I bet you think I would forget/ but  I took it as a threat/ and right now I bet you regret and wish you could take it back/ but its to late now/ the damage is done and you think because someone’s gone that you have won/ well baby lets get this right/ you’re the one that cant sleep at night/ you are the black/ she is the white /that s who he remembers after the fight/ cause in his mind he knew she was blind/

and if he didn’t take it /her he would find /he wanted that peace of mind

she felt the guilt /she felt the tears sting/ as they were dripping down from her eyes

But she will always be like a daughter in his eyes/ there to protect just like a father/

 

Yeah its personal/ it may be raw /but its her I do not fault

    ok today I cannot let go of my pain so I feel I must write to release what I am feeling inside. They say time heals all wounds and yes I would  agree ,but for the last few days time has been at a stand still, as if  I am locked in the moments of forever agony,trauma and  questions and hurts I try to let go.

   I hate the times that happen when I am trying to move forward and feel as if I can accomplish my destiny.
They call it PSTD .  I call it reliving the incidents with no way to know when I will return to myself and be okay.  I never know what is going to trigger me, my self worth, my right  or mercy to belong to someone or something that holds me back.

         All in All I am a Truly Blessed Individual of course human with weaknesses and strengths that has been given to me by my creator to succeed and overcome. Thus I feel quilty when I am stuck in this deep pain I cannot express,  Tears flow as I am searching to find what I feel I am missing to be a good person who deserves to be loved and shown mercy and understanding,. That someone in the universe space time and destiny I deserve and need to overcome. 

         I love all the little things in my world around me and try to connect to the whole. Open minded unbiased and a caring heart to others who have suffered like me or even worse. I know this pain will pass and I will move forward within hours days etc.... This is called Hope. I have tried to forgive my abusers and for the most part have made peace with them as best of my ability.  I still have one that was a "mother figure " who has hated me from the time I was placed with her and my other brother and others they adopted and abused.

     My recent pain comes from the death of a brother I hold dear to my heart. He lived his life with dignity
amidst his pain he always strived to be his best. I hate the fact that he was taken from this earth
probably not quite aware his time was to end. It ended in grief and anguish, torment and sadness in spite of all the good he tried to do and the abusive past we/he personally  tried daily to overcome. 

  We were placed where we were not even considered worthy of food or kindness most of the time.
We did learn how to clean grow vegatbles sing ride horses become productive people despite our secrets
and pain we could not let the world see. There were those that took mercy upon us and eased our pain when they could do sooo I am so thankful and ever grateful for them.  Church was our refuge but also our condemnation of unworthiness not deserving to breathe the very air that Jesus had provided for us.
no better than  a worm crawling to our master for perhaps a chance he might love us but taught even this love was conditional.  It at times yes alot of times it has felt hopeless.

      I have tried to forgive and ask the mother figure what does a 3 year old do to be hated, to be told your mother is dead you have noone and yes it hurt "like a Living Hell "  I was doomed to never return from.
I took abuse and at times was  given opportunities to have things bought for me and in turn my thoughts would turn to a mother figure and buy her handblown crystals hearts and nice items to let her know that the abuse hopefully would show her how much I needed someone to love me back and  not send me out knowingly to be abused and my pain and reward for doing so starting at 3 were never recognized or accepted.


          I would bargain with Jesus christ to please let the suffering end for a few hours or at night time or in deep dark places I would read many chaperts thinking God would hear my cry.  I did not understand when it did not work or when I ad to watch the other siblings in my home made to turn against or not communicate w eachother, Sometimes food was snuck in perhaps a cracker or a banana with risk of severe abuse one can not imagine. 

    What I have learned much later in life that people have choices to do good or evil even when attending church like a christian while hiding demons within them,  A front .My friends would leave church with smiles love and care. I left church with my " christian family or enemies" that I thought  I deserved.  I never understood why It happened. How to please them an how to get God to help me escape.  I knew at those moments in time  from 3 years old growing up I was not loveable even to a single person and my creator. I had come to believe I was not even worthy to have the basics in life. 

I have learned know being a mother that love is unconditional when someone truly loves you, I must but never take for granted their kindness and joy it brings. It could still be taken in an instant. Kn0ow rthat I am aware that people have free will to be evil abusive etc.. it was never God's intentions, but humaness  and free will to make choices in life to portray goodness or harm.   I therefore started learning yet struggling with
abiding love. Still one could also push Jesus our creator too far sometimes in just 1 chance others sometimes several throught the Biblical word and history from the old and New Testament.

                 I am forever learning and trying to grasp how he zGod  could love even me >  My brother passed away leaving children behind that he adored. Always on guard to protect sleeping with weapons every day and night to protect others from harm and the fear that harm would still follow him and it haunted him. It hurts
to know we share the same pains remember the incidents the same yet he was kind hard working successful more than I am even in his death.  We had plans to heal together within last few years This year when it was almost accomplished to be or get together.  It was not meant to be.  He died constantly trying to unerstand why, severe abuse  he suffered yet believed in Jesus for comfort yr never being totally to let go and heal due to the selfishness of people our abusers etc...

    I hope he is in Heaven and Jesus is cradling in his arms being his protector healer parent heavely father
as he needed so much on this earth.  His escape was determination as he went out on his own still a young
teenager risking all he had and not to be caught.  Mercy was found when he was offered hot cocoa and a place to clean up so he could continue his path to wellness and escape the toturous houses that held us for years and for years to come even years later within our minds. He was in his 40's still young and full of life and taken .  We had eachother again and so quickly to be taken way and I miss him so terribly inside.

I want his abusers to know what life being adopted and being tortured by them has caused and yet they have failed to forgive us even as young children tolders they refuse to accept our apologies or to let us forgive them for whatever reasons it happened.   I am done for now but please Never Hate your Creator when people have free will and eventually get caught if even without remorse.  More so the Mother figure we needed to fulfill our pain of loss and desertment .. DO NOT ADOPT and NOT CARE for Your Own Selfish Reasons    not all children cause strife but look forward to pleasing even those that hate them and have taken on a role to raise without Severe abuse and Heartache I must Tell You Know We do not Always Live in Peace but in Pieces and Strive to let our Creator Reteach us His Love and Mercy and We Hope we May be Worthy  because there was neve any love and kindness in Your World.           

 I n Loving Memory To My Brother Troy Riffle  Forever Your Sister even in Death I Must Speak Out For You and Pray Life Beyond Earth is Such More Peaceful and Forgiving for we still Have a Hard Time Letting Go of Our Nightmares <3 :="" be="" br="" brenda="" describe="" for="" have="" i="" love="" my="" nbsp="" never="" there="" to="" unconditional="" will="" words="" you="">

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My Side of the Sugar Bowl

                                                    My Side of the Sugar Bowl 


Life as I know it :) A real sweet tooth  I know now I honestly inherited it from my
beloved Grandmother Mae  she always had a cake baked and lil sweet candies
hidden in cushions and lil stashes around her house :) She is so adorable to me
so caring kind and yet life for her was not so sweet.She never gave up and never
stopped loving all of us. She herself was a mother of 3 (  2 girls and a boy )

  Marlene Joyce was around 5 or 6 when she was taken by the Angels
Life cut short a Grandmother who has lost a child so very young, I can't
Imagine how she got through those painful memories day after day.

  Then there's Delores Mae my precious mother. I lost my hopes and dreams
when she passed away I was only 2 years old, but I carried an emptiness
inside no one could ever fill, Once again Grandma Mae suffered another tragic loss

  She had Bobby or Robert but he too seemed to disappear from her life , but in a
different sort of way. I do know my Mother loved him very much as they grew
up together. She even had him stay with her when she turned  15 yrs old :)
that to came to an end and there is not much known beyond there,
All grown up and a young woman with much love in her heart

I think he was a dads boy, so there you go. Another loss for my Grandmother Mae

   Delores then had 6 of us lil rugrats before she passed at a very young age
one month away from turning 35 years old. This is where it all began for me
I was only 2 or so when I lost my father and 6 months later to the day my mother.
The day she passed was exactly on April Fool's Day.I still wait for someone to tell me
it was a mean lil joke, but that has yet to happen and as I am older now
drinking my coffee as sweet as I can make it   I finally understand.

    I was now officially an orphan along with my siblings.
but with a Grandmother with a heart of Gold. Another loss for my Grandma Mae
Somehow deep inside I am so deeply connected to both my Mom and Grandmother
It has never left me yet I carried the deep dark emptiness of being without
them just a toddler stripped away from all those I knew.

Luckily 1 was placed
with my youngest brother who was beside me to take care of me.We weren't allowed to be
separated .Papers signed and sealed with unknown people as they drank coffee while
reading and rattling papers. A bustling court room or building that seemd so large
beautifully designed yet hollow and so cold to me as I sat outside the room watching with the door
opened as they looked at me and continued on about something so important.
I wanted to know what did this have to do with me. Coffe stained the paper and was
quckly redone as I sat by myself scared alone silent and so  empty to the depths of my soul.
I swang my legs and lil black shoes back and forth. 

    I could only twist and fiddle with my pale blue dress and pick at the lil flowers that
adorned my small frame. A lady with the brightest colored green outfit smiled, talked w me
a moment as if I understood the whole meaning behind the sips of coffee conversations and
I finally came to realize life,, as I walked out of the enormous building ,would never be the same again..





  






My Precious Mother Grandmother Brothers Sister and Me (BitterSweet)