ok today I cannot let go of my pain so I feel I must write to release what I am feeling inside. They say time heals all wounds and yes I would agree ,but for the last few days time has been at a stand still, as if I am locked in the moments of forever agony,trauma and questions and hurts I try to let go.
I hate the times that happen when I am trying to move forward and feel as if I can accomplish my destiny.
They call it PSTD . I call it reliving the incidents with no way to know when I will return to myself and be okay. I never know what is going to trigger me, my self worth, my right or mercy to belong to someone or something that holds me back.
All in All I am a Truly Blessed Individual of course human with weaknesses and strengths that has been given to me by my creator to succeed and overcome. Thus I feel quilty when I am stuck in this deep pain I cannot express, Tears flow as I am searching to find what I feel I am missing to be a good person who deserves to be loved and shown mercy and understanding,. That someone in the universe space time and destiny I deserve and need to overcome.
I love all the little things in my world around me and try to connect to the whole. Open minded unbiased and a caring heart to others who have suffered like me or even worse. I know this pain will pass and I will move forward within hours days etc.... This is called Hope. I have tried to forgive my abusers and for the most part have made peace with them as best of my ability. I still have one that was a "mother figure " who has hated me from the time I was placed with her and my other brother and others they adopted and abused.
My recent pain comes from the death of a brother I hold dear to my heart. He lived his life with dignity
amidst his pain he always strived to be his best. I hate the fact that he was taken from this earth
probably not quite aware his time was to end. It ended in grief and anguish, torment and sadness in spite of all the good he tried to do and the abusive past we/he personally tried daily to overcome.
We were placed where we were not even considered worthy of food or kindness most of the time.
We did learn how to clean grow vegatbles sing ride horses become productive people despite our secrets
and pain we could not let the world see. There were those that took mercy upon us and eased our pain when they could do sooo I am so thankful and ever grateful for them. Church was our refuge but also our condemnation of unworthiness not deserving to breathe the very air that Jesus had provided for us.
no better than a worm crawling to our master for perhaps a chance he might love us but taught even this love was conditional. It at times yes alot of times it has felt hopeless.
I have tried to forgive and ask the mother figure what does a 3 year old do to be hated, to be told your mother is dead you have noone and yes it hurt "like a Living Hell " I was doomed to never return from.
I took abuse and at times was given opportunities to have things bought for me and in turn my thoughts would turn to a mother figure and buy her handblown crystals hearts and nice items to let her know that the abuse hopefully would show her how much I needed someone to love me back and not send me out knowingly to be abused and my pain and reward for doing so starting at 3 were never recognized or accepted.
I would bargain with Jesus christ to please let the suffering end for a few hours or at night time or in deep dark places I would read many chaperts thinking God would hear my cry. I did not understand when it did not work or when I ad to watch the other siblings in my home made to turn against or not communicate w eachother, Sometimes food was snuck in perhaps a cracker or a banana with risk of severe abuse one can not imagine.
What I have learned much later in life that people have choices to do good or evil even when attending church like a christian while hiding demons within them, A front .My friends would leave church with smiles love and care. I left church with my " christian family or enemies" that I thought I deserved. I never understood why It happened. How to please them an how to get God to help me escape. I knew at those moments in time from 3 years old growing up I was not loveable even to a single person and my creator. I had come to believe I was not even worthy to have the basics in life.
I have learned know being a mother that love is unconditional when someone truly loves you, I must but never take for granted their kindness and joy it brings. It could still be taken in an instant. Kn0ow rthat I am aware that people have free will to be evil abusive etc.. it was never God's intentions, but humaness and free will to make choices in life to portray goodness or harm. I therefore started learning yet struggling with
abiding love. Still one could also push Jesus our creator too far sometimes in just 1 chance others sometimes several throught the Biblical word and history from the old and New Testament.
I am forever learning and trying to grasp how he zGod could love even me > My brother passed away leaving children behind that he adored. Always on guard to protect sleeping with weapons every day and night to protect others from harm and the fear that harm would still follow him and it haunted him. It hurts
to know we share the same pains remember the incidents the same yet he was kind hard working successful more than I am even in his death. We had plans to heal together within last few years This year when it was almost accomplished to be or get together. It was not meant to be. He died constantly trying to unerstand why, severe abuse he suffered yet believed in Jesus for comfort yr never being totally to let go and heal due to the selfishness of people our abusers etc...
I hope he is in Heaven and Jesus is cradling in his arms being his protector healer parent heavely father
as he needed so much on this earth. His escape was determination as he went out on his own still a young
teenager risking all he had and not to be caught. Mercy was found when he was offered hot cocoa and a place to clean up so he could continue his path to wellness and escape the toturous houses that held us for years and for years to come even years later within our minds. He was in his 40's still young and full of life and taken . We had eachother again and so quickly to be taken way and I miss him so terribly inside.
I want his abusers to know what life being adopted and being tortured by them has caused and yet they have failed to forgive us even as young children tolders they refuse to accept our apologies or to let us forgive them for whatever reasons it happened. I am done for now but please Never Hate your Creator when people have free will and eventually get caught if even without remorse. More so the Mother figure we needed to fulfill our pain of loss and desertment .. DO NOT ADOPT and NOT CARE for Your Own Selfish Reasons not all children cause strife but look forward to pleasing even those that hate them and have taken on a role to raise without Severe abuse and Heartache I must Tell You Know We do not Always Live in Peace but in Pieces and Strive to let our Creator Reteach us His Love and Mercy and We Hope we May be Worthy because there was neve any love and kindness in Your World.
I n Loving Memory To My Brother Troy Riffle Forever Your Sister even in Death I Must Speak Out For You and Pray Life Beyond Earth is Such More Peaceful and Forgiving for we still Have a Hard Time Letting Go of Our Nightmares <3 :="" be="" br="" brenda="" describe="" for="" have="" i="" love="" my="" nbsp="" never="" there="" to="" unconditional="" will="" words="" you="">
I hate the times that happen when I am trying to move forward and feel as if I can accomplish my destiny.
They call it PSTD . I call it reliving the incidents with no way to know when I will return to myself and be okay. I never know what is going to trigger me, my self worth, my right or mercy to belong to someone or something that holds me back.
All in All I am a Truly Blessed Individual of course human with weaknesses and strengths that has been given to me by my creator to succeed and overcome. Thus I feel quilty when I am stuck in this deep pain I cannot express, Tears flow as I am searching to find what I feel I am missing to be a good person who deserves to be loved and shown mercy and understanding,. That someone in the universe space time and destiny I deserve and need to overcome.
I love all the little things in my world around me and try to connect to the whole. Open minded unbiased and a caring heart to others who have suffered like me or even worse. I know this pain will pass and I will move forward within hours days etc.... This is called Hope. I have tried to forgive my abusers and for the most part have made peace with them as best of my ability. I still have one that was a "mother figure " who has hated me from the time I was placed with her and my other brother and others they adopted and abused.
My recent pain comes from the death of a brother I hold dear to my heart. He lived his life with dignity
amidst his pain he always strived to be his best. I hate the fact that he was taken from this earth
probably not quite aware his time was to end. It ended in grief and anguish, torment and sadness in spite of all the good he tried to do and the abusive past we/he personally tried daily to overcome.
We were placed where we were not even considered worthy of food or kindness most of the time.
We did learn how to clean grow vegatbles sing ride horses become productive people despite our secrets
and pain we could not let the world see. There were those that took mercy upon us and eased our pain when they could do sooo I am so thankful and ever grateful for them. Church was our refuge but also our condemnation of unworthiness not deserving to breathe the very air that Jesus had provided for us.
no better than a worm crawling to our master for perhaps a chance he might love us but taught even this love was conditional. It at times yes alot of times it has felt hopeless.
I have tried to forgive and ask the mother figure what does a 3 year old do to be hated, to be told your mother is dead you have noone and yes it hurt "like a Living Hell " I was doomed to never return from.
I took abuse and at times was given opportunities to have things bought for me and in turn my thoughts would turn to a mother figure and buy her handblown crystals hearts and nice items to let her know that the abuse hopefully would show her how much I needed someone to love me back and not send me out knowingly to be abused and my pain and reward for doing so starting at 3 were never recognized or accepted.
I would bargain with Jesus christ to please let the suffering end for a few hours or at night time or in deep dark places I would read many chaperts thinking God would hear my cry. I did not understand when it did not work or when I ad to watch the other siblings in my home made to turn against or not communicate w eachother, Sometimes food was snuck in perhaps a cracker or a banana with risk of severe abuse one can not imagine.
What I have learned much later in life that people have choices to do good or evil even when attending church like a christian while hiding demons within them, A front .My friends would leave church with smiles love and care. I left church with my " christian family or enemies" that I thought I deserved. I never understood why It happened. How to please them an how to get God to help me escape. I knew at those moments in time from 3 years old growing up I was not loveable even to a single person and my creator. I had come to believe I was not even worthy to have the basics in life.
I have learned know being a mother that love is unconditional when someone truly loves you, I must but never take for granted their kindness and joy it brings. It could still be taken in an instant. Kn0ow rthat I am aware that people have free will to be evil abusive etc.. it was never God's intentions, but humaness and free will to make choices in life to portray goodness or harm. I therefore started learning yet struggling with
abiding love. Still one could also push Jesus our creator too far sometimes in just 1 chance others sometimes several throught the Biblical word and history from the old and New Testament.
I am forever learning and trying to grasp how he zGod could love even me > My brother passed away leaving children behind that he adored. Always on guard to protect sleeping with weapons every day and night to protect others from harm and the fear that harm would still follow him and it haunted him. It hurts
to know we share the same pains remember the incidents the same yet he was kind hard working successful more than I am even in his death. We had plans to heal together within last few years This year when it was almost accomplished to be or get together. It was not meant to be. He died constantly trying to unerstand why, severe abuse he suffered yet believed in Jesus for comfort yr never being totally to let go and heal due to the selfishness of people our abusers etc...
I hope he is in Heaven and Jesus is cradling in his arms being his protector healer parent heavely father
as he needed so much on this earth. His escape was determination as he went out on his own still a young
teenager risking all he had and not to be caught. Mercy was found when he was offered hot cocoa and a place to clean up so he could continue his path to wellness and escape the toturous houses that held us for years and for years to come even years later within our minds. He was in his 40's still young and full of life and taken . We had eachother again and so quickly to be taken way and I miss him so terribly inside.
I want his abusers to know what life being adopted and being tortured by them has caused and yet they have failed to forgive us even as young children tolders they refuse to accept our apologies or to let us forgive them for whatever reasons it happened. I am done for now but please Never Hate your Creator when people have free will and eventually get caught if even without remorse. More so the Mother figure we needed to fulfill our pain of loss and desertment .. DO NOT ADOPT and NOT CARE for Your Own Selfish Reasons not all children cause strife but look forward to pleasing even those that hate them and have taken on a role to raise without Severe abuse and Heartache I must Tell You Know We do not Always Live in Peace but in Pieces and Strive to let our Creator Reteach us His Love and Mercy and We Hope we May be Worthy because there was neve any love and kindness in Your World.
I n Loving Memory To My Brother Troy Riffle Forever Your Sister even in Death I Must Speak Out For You and Pray Life Beyond Earth is Such More Peaceful and Forgiving for we still Have a Hard Time Letting Go of Our Nightmares <3 :="" be="" br="" brenda="" describe="" for="" have="" i="" love="" my="" nbsp="" never="" there="" to="" unconditional="" will="" words="" you="">
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